How To Impress a Girl

how to impress a girl

Impressing is a two-way street. If you’re trying to impress her, make sure first she’s worth it.

To impress a girl, you need to remember that you’re not the only guy on the planet who Googled “How to Impress a Girl.” There are millions of other guys who have read the same articles and using the same strategies. Every single girl on the planet has heard one out of ten pickup lines you’re about to try. They subscribe to Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair, and these magazines have deployed an army of undercover agents to the field, to decode the guerrilla tactics of men in the art of the pickup. The trick is to know the basic principles of attraction, understand them, then personalize them. Use your imagination, loverboy.

Look presentable. This one’s non-negotiable, boys: you need to be clean. Go with the basics of hygiene: take a bath, brush your teeth, put on deodorant, wear clean clothes. Not even Brad Pitt can pull off dirty fingernails, unless he’s on set as a sexy mechanic. Make sure that when you open your mouth, you don’t give her a whiff of the Mexican takeout from two days ago.

Project a positive aura. Some girls are turned on by angst. Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, capitalized on this basic Freudian concept when she created the vampire Edward Cullen: dark, menacing and with a chip on his shoulder the size of China. I’m working on the theory that you want to attract a normal, rational girl; not a hormonal teenager. This being the case, I suggest you don’t introduce her to the skeletons in your closet, the demons in your soul or the voices in your head.

People gravitate towards positive, outgoing people. This is why politicians always smile at the camera, why people “check in” at twenty different places on Foursquare every day, why a recently jilted lover stops receiving party invitations from common friends. Drama is cute but only for a few hours.

Exude confidence. If you don’t have it, fake it. Then work on it. There is nothing sexier than a guy who is comfortable in his own skin. If you have taken a bath and brushed your teeth, this will be painless. Walk like you own the world or don’t care who does.

Take note, however, that there is a difference between being sure of yourself and being full of yourself. Cocky is cute but, like drama, it gets old very quickly.

Be interested in her. Let her talk. Girls can talk about themselves the entire day and stop only to eat or pee. Ask her about her interests. Music? Movies? Books? Food? Ask leading questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer, i.e. “So what do you do on weekends?” This will make her think hard about her answer, as she would want to give the impression of spontaneity. Remember the things she likes and bring them up in your next conversation; this shows that you have been paying attention. If you are bored out of your mind, curb the urge to interrupt and remember the main objective of the torture you are subjecting yourself to; a little more patience and you can pack this puppy up and take her home. Patience, my boy.

Make eye contact. Not only does this create intimacy, it also prevents you from gawking at her breasts.

Cultivate a sense of humor. Laughter creates an immediate connection andbreaks down emotional barriers. Hermione Gingoldonce said, “Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered – I still do – whichis more important.” To make her laugh, you don’t need to crack joke after joke, as this is not funny but disturbing. The best laugh generator is wit (theability to deliver a funny statement with a straight face) and your speedometer should be her “laugh ratio” (the amount of time spent laughing divided by the total time spent in conversation).

Avoid offensive/toilet humor. Unless she likes that.

Practice good manners. There’s a quote that goes, “If he’s nice to you but he’s rude to the waiter, he’s not a nice person.” Like taking a bath and brushing your teeth, good manners are non-negotiable. Open doors. Pull out chairs. Walk on the danger side of the road. Say “please” and “thank you.” These are the ageless practices of chivalry that will make even the most diehard Gen X girl’s knees weak. Act like you were born with excellent breeding; slid straight out of your mama’s womb, umbilical cord magically trimmed, and didn’t make a single peep.

Don’t try to impress her. To impress a girl, DON’Ttry to impress her. The irony and injustice of it is that a girl knows when you’re trying too hard.

Don’t quote your salary, give her the specs of your car, or pull up your shirt and show her your abs. Don’t give her canned compliments about her beautiful body or her beautiful hair or her beautiful eyes or her beautiful anything. This will make you no different from the other Dexter St. Jocks who are using the same lines. To impress a girl, all of the above points need to be effortless.

Now, go out there and make me proud.

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